Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Zombie Pilgrims on Parade


ZOMBIE PILGRIMS ON PARADE


     “Welcome everyone to the 30th annual Graves Department Store Thanksgiving day Parade!  I’m Zanku Kitty, here with my co-host Grief Abandon.  How’s it hanging Grief?”
     “It fell off, Kitty, but thanks for asking.”
     “Oops, my bad. Well you can’t have everything, Grief.”
     “I wasn’t going to mention your nose, Kitty.”
     “Well I never!”
     “Even if  you did, I couldn’t do anything about it.  Can we move on, please?  I see the first float is heading our way.”
     “Zombietown, Massachusetts is known for this spectacle on Thanksgiving Day every year, Grief  The residents do their best to attract as many tourists as possible to share their Thanksgiving Feast.”
     “A truly welcoming atmosphere here, Kitty, and this float received the Mayor’s Prize for epitomizing this year’s theme, “Lend a helping Hand.”  That lovely young thing at the front is waving the mayor’s actual hand, loaned to us for this occasion. Don’t lose that hand, Wendy, the mayor needs it to sign the Parks Bill next week.”
     “And coming up next is the High School Shuffling Band.  You have to admire these young people for their determination.  Most of the percussion section had their hands sewn on extra tight, just for today’s performance.  Can’t have a repeat of last year, Grief!”
     “That was quite a melee, Kitty, all those kids digging through that pile of limbs trying to match whose hands were whose.  I’m glad they took precautions, be prepared, I always say!”
      “That’s good advice, Grief.  Maybe you should have taken it yourself last night.”
     “Do we have to keep getting personal, Kitty?”
     “Sorry, Grief.  But if a certain body part were to show up, what would it be worth to you?”
     “Kitty, you bitch! What do you... Our producer indicates it’s time for a message from our sponsor, Graves Department Store, the store that helps you keep it all together.  We’ll be right back.”
***
     “Welcome back to the parade, I’m Zanku Kitty.”
     “And I am Grief Abandon.  We are starting to see a few of the parade-watchers heading indoors now.  With the icy wind, there have been a few wardrobe malfunctions, and some of the mama’s don’t want their little zombies to see anything fall off that they didn’t know was there to start with.  But I’m sure we’ll see them all later at the big feast.”
     “Along with all of our wonderful visitors, Grief.  The city council has extended their usual gracious invitation to all the living to come join us and bring their brains, er, families. It’s sure to be a delicious spread.”
     “Let’s talk about the float approaching us right now. It’s certainly unusual, Kitty.”
     “Yes, it is, Grief.  My notes tell me that it is the Merchant’s Prize winner, selected for its fine selection of Zombietown’s wares.  The town is known for it’s outstanding prosthetic devices.  The young people modeling these fine products are members of the local sports teams.  As you can imagine, they are big fans of the artificial limbs produced here.”
     “Yes they are, Kitty.”
     “Perhaps you should stop by one of the shops after the parade, Grief.”
     “Shut up, Kitty.”
     “If you think I’m going back to the motel with  you with that big gaping hole in your....”
     “Kitty!”
     “Look, Grief, here comes the Mayor himself, Bob N. Bob and his death-partner, Chompers.   Hello, Mr. Mayor.  Do  you have a few words for our viewers at home?”
     “Hello, Kitty, Grief.  It’s a great day for the parade and for the town!  I want to remind all of our visitors to be sure to come to the town hall after the parade for the big feed.  It’s always an experience!”
     “Thank you, Mr. Mayor.”
     “You’re welcome, Grief.  And you’re looking very nice today, Kitty.”
     “Thank you, Mr. Mayor.  At least someone around here is a gentleman!”
     “You’re very welcome, Kitty.  After all, a nose isn’t everything.  Many of our finest citizens are among the noseless.”
     “Mr. Mayor, I think Kitty is overcome with emotion at your kind words.  Perhaps you’d better rejoin the parade.  NOW!”
     “I see what you mean, Grief.  Let’s go, Chompers.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.”
      “Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Mayor.  Keep up the good work, Chompers.”
     “Grief, what does Chompers do again?”
     “The mayor. Look, Kitty, here comes the Founders Float.”
     “Zombietown, Massachusetts is the only town in all of North America featuring the actual founding fathers riding on a float.”
     “Look at Zedediah Claw.  No, Daddy Claw, no don’t wave!  Shoot, somebody pick up Daddy Claw’s hand and tuck it in his jacket.  These founding father’s get so enthusiastic, they forget how breakable they are.”
     “He’s probably excited about the feast, Grief.  Remember, all you tourists are invited to the feast immediately after the parade.  Just come right on in, someone will take care of you.”
     “Here comes Santa Claus!”
     “The kiddies are getting really excited.  This is the first year they could find anyone to fill out the suit.  Hiya, Santa!”
      “Hello Kitty! Have you been a good girl this year?”
      “Why, Santa, you old devil, you tell me.”
     “Him too, Kitty?”
     “Don’t you look at me like that! I can’t be exclusive with someone who just falls apart at the least little thing.”
     “What do you want for Christmas, Grief?”
     “All I want for Christmas is my ...”
     “I can tell you what he wants, Santa, can I sit in your lap?”
     “Sure thing, little girl, whisper right here in old Santa’s ear.”
     “Kitty, don’t you dare! Don’t be sharing our private business with that old rickety lech.”
     “I see, Kitty, I see.  That is a problem. Grief, you want to come up here on Santa’s lap and tell him what size you’d like?”
     “Oh my God, Kitty!”
     “I was only trying to help, Grief. Santa understands that, don’t you stud?”
     “We are almost out of time, here.  Kitty and I would like to thank you for joining us for the Graves Department Store Thanksgiving Day Parade.  It’s time to head on down to the town hall for dinner.  I hope to see you all there, with bells on.”
    

No comments:

Post a Comment

Contributors